Dear you

Your colleague wrote you a letter

Morgan is a colleague of yours. And they’ve written you a letter…

A real letter. The envelope has real stamps on it. You’re sitting down with your morning coffee, looking at the letter. It starts “Dear you”…

(Internal gears start spinning)

You’d call Morgan a good colleague, because you’re team oriented as a person, but they’d probably just call you someone they work with.

You know their type all too well. You’ve met your fair share of Morgans.

Morgans are fast, decisive, confident to the point of bluntness. Oh, that fucking confidence, so aggravating. And it seeps out of them like arrogance, tainting their every exchange.

They charge into meetings and charge back out again, always moving, always hustling. Tasks assigned, decisions made, no time wasted on lengthy discussion or actual careful deliberation. They get things done. That’s what people think of them. Doers. But the way you see it, they think they get things done. And they get lots of credit for all this ‘getting things done’, even though it’s probably other people that are actually putting in the real work.

They also ask for help without the slightest trace of shame in their eyes! Have a habit of asking you to help them get their things done. Might be because they’ve worked out that you’ll say yes. But still…

Morgans are not bad people. But they’re infuriatingly your polar opposite.

They operate on speed and checklists, while you operate on thoughtfulness and care. They’re direct, bossy, stubborn, while you’re collaborative, agreeable, open-minded. They’re focused on the goals, the tasks, the deadlines, the little check marks next to their to-do lists, while you’re focused on people, the team, the feelings, the importance of nurturing relationships.

(Internal gears stop)

“Dear you”

For some reason, it’s tough to get past that opening line and read on.

You take a sip of coffee. Muster up the courage and start reading.

---

“Dear you,

I know this letter comes as a surprise. Whoever writes letters nowadays, huh?

Anyway, thing is, I’ve been working with a coach for the past month. They’re helping me improve as a person. I know, I know, ‘improve’ is a weird word to use, but I can’t think of anything more suitable right now. Never thought I’d need someone else’s help with that kind of thing, but here we are.

My coach gave me an exercise, to write some letters to people I feel I’ve maybe wronged in the past. Or people I sometimes clash with, I know my personality’s rather much at times. And as part of the exercise, I need to be totally honest with each person I write to and tell them the good and the bad according to my perception. A tough exercise, but you know me, I’m a straight-talker, that’s for damn sure.

So I thought of writing to you.

I thought of you because I feel we have a bittersweet kind of connection. I think I might give you a hard time, maybe even be unfair to you, but at the same time, when I really sit down and think about it, you’re one of the people I trust more at work. Yep, it’s a weird combination. Anyway, I want you to know, that despite my directness, this is super uncomfortable for me. Tough to find the words when you need them, right?

I think for the most part I’m good with you, you remind me of some of my close friends. If I take a real good look at my closest friends, they all tend to be good listeners, and people who can put up with my shit. And I think this creates a balance in our dynamics. I think this sounds like you.

But to be honest, what I see from you? All this friendliness, and willingness to help and mutual respect drives me nuts sometimes. I know it sounds weird, but it really does feel to me that you’re trying too much to not cause a scene. Trying too much to not upset anyone. Can’t remember the last time you stood your ground and pushed back on something I said, if ever.

This whole ‘nice person’ thing you’ve got going on is tired and overdone. That’s what it feels like to me. And you know what? It makes you forgettable in my eyes. I was going to say inconsequential but that’s not quite right. Forgettable.

Hey, I’m not attacking you, all right? I hope you’re not getting all touchy feely hearing all this. I’m just trying to be as honest as I can with you, that’s what the exercise calls for. And I’m hoping you’ll write back to me too.

Maybe before I tell you anything else about how I see you, it might be best to describe how I see myself. To help you understand how I’m wired. And where I’m coming from. What’s that saying? Perception, reality, something? You know what I mean.

Okay, so I’m a doer. I’m a nonstop sprinter. I make sure to move fast in only one direction, forward. No looking back and crying about spilt milk. No, I’ve got my eye on the goal, my targets in sight, my tasks getting done faster than you can say “Have you completed that task yet, Morgan?”

I believe in myself. I do. Sure, I knock myself down at times, sometimes dwell on feeling like an impostor, but I do believe in myself. I have to, because no one’s going to do it for me. I’m confident. What’s that line, ‘Fake it till you make it’? You can bet on it. After all, the world believes what they see, right? So, if I’m projecting an in-control image, then that’s what I am. Simple math, really.

I’m a good leader. I can push people towards accomplishing goals. Emergency situation? I’ve got it covered, cool as a cucumber. Important decision so the team can move forward? Don’t worry about it, quick fact-checking and then decision’s made, what’s next?

This is who I am.

Anyway, back to you and what I really want to tell you since this is the only opportunity I will get to actually step on the brakes and pay attention to someone for more than 5 minutes, without itching to move on.

Back to you being supportive, keen to help, friendly, and all that.

I think you’re overdoing it, like a rubber band that’s stretched too thin. In my eyes, especially on days when everything’s a moving piece that needs to be managed, you’re the weak link of the team. There, I said it.

Do you know what I mean? You’re so focused absorbed in keeping the peace and maintaining harmony in the team that you forget yourself. You forget your self.

You become a victim. Allow yourself to be taken advantage of. Shit, I’ll be extra honest here and admit that I’m guilty of taking advantage of your good nature too, if it gets me my job done. I mean, you’re practically offering yourself for free to everyone around you. In my books, that’s weakness. I know you’re not a very confident person, but still, you’ve got to learn to be tougher than that. You don’t owe the world anything. The world doesn’t owe you anything either. This is the biggest lesson I’ve learned the hard way. No one’s going to stand up for you if you don’t stand up for yourself.

I don’t know, maybe you need to stop focusing on others so excessively and just start paying more attention to yourself. You have needs, don’t you? Tasks of your own? Deadlines? Pressures? Well, deal with them. Stop juggling everyone else’s.

You’re always saying yes to everyone who comes knocking on your door for help. Even to the ones who force their own tasks on you! Always taking on the workload of five people, just because you don’t have the confidence to say no. I genuinely don’t understand that. So I judge it, harshly.

How about standing your ground once in a while? Get some new vocabulary and start saying you’re busy, you can’t do this or that, you don’t want to, no I can’t, no I’m good, no thank you. Lots of ways to say no and to protect yourself from timewasters.

If you stood your ground even a little, maybe then you wouldn’t be forgettable in my eyes. Maybe then I, and most people in our team, would show you the respect you deserve. You have to earn respect, but that means occupying your space more.

I’m thinking now about that project we worked on last month.

How can I give you a task and rely on you to do it, when I know that at the same time, you’re probably also doing five other people’s tasks? How can I trust you when you can’t speak up and tell me what you really think about something, without needing to check if you’re hurting my feelings by doing so?

Let me get straight. So, if someone’s about to make a mistake you don’t correct them because they might get upset? Really? How can I trust you? Come on! You got to learn to spit it out. Be more direct. If something has to be said, it doesn’t need much sugarcoating to say it.

Maybe I’m getting too carried away here.

Listen, I like that you’re nice and friendly. Everyone does. We really do appreciate it. But when you constantly perform this ‘friendly neighbour’ routine, it becomes overbearing. Enough with wasting time on feelings and endless discussions. Let’s. Just. Get. Shit. Done.

I’m not looking to hurt your feelings here. And I’m sorry if this is hitting you like that.

Maybe your friendliness is working in mysterious ways as the team glue. Maybe in some unseen way, you’re keeping us all together, as a unit, active and balanced. It’s nice to think that you are. If this is true, it’s a great contribution, I’ll admit it. I don’t tend to do that, if that’s what you do.

I’m willing to bet that other people like me don’t know half the things you do for the team. There doesn’t seem to be an immediate and visible ROI on what you do. I’ve heard someone at work call you humble. If I look at everything about you, I’d have to agree with that. You are humble, but that’s why no one sees you. Why no one knows what you’ve done to help. And sorry, but I have to ask here, is it that you’re humble or just afraid to speak up and contradict others? I know it’s both, but what do you tell yourself when you get home from work every day? How do you replay the scenes?

I wish, I sincerely wish, you would just rely on yourself more. Even just a tiny bit more.

Be more independent. Be more realistic, in the moment, task-focused like the rest of us. And yeah, maybe even brag about something you did sometimes. “I did that. I did this.” Those are okay sentences to use. It’s not bragging. It’s holding your space. I’d like to hear more “I, I, I” from you. It shows me you know your worth and appreciate it. No one else is going to shout out your contributions for the world to recognise. It’s on you.

If you did all this, even a few steps in the right direction, then I would really feel the loyalty you’re so very fond of projecting. I would really feel like you had my back. And for me, that’s the most important thing, since I don’t trust many people. In my eyes, if you don’t speak up when it’s time for speaking up, then you aren’t allowed to have an opinion afterwards or complain about not being heard.

Okay, that’s it, I think. I hope you take some of what I’ve said into account. In writing this letter to you, I was forced to think about you in a way I’ve never considered before. Maybe it was a good exercise, after all. I think, after everything I’ve said here, I do recognise the value you can bring to the people around you.

Yours,

Morgan.

P.S. I’ve just reread this letter, and I want to leave you with one last thing. I’ll never admit it out loud, but I really do envy your patience and your ability to create true connections with people. I wish I had a bit more of those superpowers.”